There are thieves among us

I went downstairs Sunday morning, opened the front door and walked to the street entrance of my apartment building, scanning the steps and floor. This is what I saw:



Unremarkable, I know, except if you note what's not there …



The Sunday New York Times, in its blue, plastic bag. It was stolen — again! This is the second time in four weeks that it was lifted by one of my neighbors or some high-brow passerby who spied it through the street entrance's window.

The Sunday Times, all 7,000 pages of it, is one of the things that gets me out of bed Sunday morning. And when it's not there, it rocks the axis of my very existence. In short, dear friends, I was annoyed.

I've devised an idea to prevent this from happening in the future: Booby traps. Indeed, they would require me to get up early, go downstairs, set them up, and return before the thief attempts his or her heist, which seems to lead to the question "Why don't you just pick it up earlier and save yourself the trouble?"

Well, why don't you just go about your own life letting paper-stealing street urchins walk all over you? Me, I'm a vengeful man. (I modeled myself after God in the Old Testament.) And it's time they feel the wrath of the strange man in Apt. 5.

THE TRAPS

The George-W.-Bush-Nuculer-Weapon-of-Mass-Destruction trap!


Scorpion trap!


Bengal-tiger trap!


Portal-to-a-parallel-universe trap!

Yes, the traps vary and some are easier to pull off than others, but they're all effective. If you came downstairs with the intention of stealing your neighbor's Sunday Times and encountered a Bengal tiger or a portal to a parallel universe, would you still go for it? No way. And if you did, the world is better off without you.